30 Seconds to Mars :: Closer to the Edge

Posted: October 24, 2012 in Songs
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30 Seconds To Mars :: Closer To The Edge
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album | CD

Mainstream. Even a bit cliche. But if I were to have an epic rock anthem right now, this would be it. This is the grown up version of “The One and Only.” Less rebellious, more defiant. The lyrics speak of lessons learned, trials had, of tears and joy, of faith and pride, acceptance and strength.

No I’m not saying I’m sorry
One day maybe we will meet again

I will never forget
I will never regret
I will live my life

When I listen to this song, I picture being a pit, having fallen in from a cave or misleading crevice. You look up at what you can see of the sky, perhaps through the hole you crashed through. The guitars come in, you have to move. So you do. Eyeing the rocks, planning your first step. Before you know it, you’re climbing. There’s nowhere else to go but up. Sometimes you lose your footing. Sometimes you slip and dust gets in your eyes. But you keep going, hand over bleeding hand, keeping an eye on the clouds above when you can see them.

By the time you reach the top- which you eventually do- you’re exhausted. Drained. All you can do is haul yourself onto solid ground and stare up at the stars. Night has fallen of course. Suddenly, you laugh. You made it. You’re alive. You scramble up to the edge of the cliff and perch like an eagle in flight, surveying the valley below.

Then you scream, at the walls that closed around you, at the rocks that tripped you up, at the world that tried to swallow you whole.

NO! NO! NO! NO!

Something calls to you from the ground, a flash, a focus. Your wings flap up to catch an oncoming draft. You take a few steps and leap, ready to take on the world.

Though I liked the song the first time I heard it, the meaning didn’t quite hit me until the divorce proceedings started. I was questioning everything- my decisions, my choices, my sanity. How could it be right when it was hurting people? It was a while before I started to believe in myself, to realize I had a right to live how I wanted, and that I didn’t need to give myself up to do it.

Only when I accepted that, could I fully understand the words: “I will never forget. I will never regret. I will live my life.” Even now, hearing it makes me tear up. At my lowest point, I tried to forget everything, including myself. I regretted everything. There wasn’t any hope of living anything close to the life I’d wanted.

And now, after all is said and done, I still don’t know. It might be too late. I squandered most of my youth on a marriage now in pieces.

But at least I have a chance. I made it out of the pit, crawled to the edge to peer out. I can feel the wind at my back, every instinct telling me to spread my wings. That’s what makes the difference.

xx

Originally posted here.

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