Imagine Dragons :: It’s Time

Posted: October 31, 2012 in Songs
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Imagine Dragons :: It’s Time
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album | CD

If ever a song clearly found me at the right moment, it was this one. That moment is here, still ongoing now. Earlier this week, my ex-husband dumped a huge responsibility in my lap. I hadn’t heard from him in months. I had cautiously started to believe that things were finally settling down for both of us. I was wrong, and quite viciously jolted out of that belief.

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don’t look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

After our divorce, I refused all contact with my ex. The emotional and mental drain of dealing with his issues had left me so wrecked that for the first few months, I didn’t know up from down. I had been in such a controlled environment for so long, I had to lean heavily on friends and family to teach me how to live in some cases. Without their extreme patience and willingness to provide guidance, I might well have gone back to him just because, as nightmarish as it had been, I didn’t know how to function any other way.

Over the last two years, I’ve taken baby steps, then bigger steps. This year has seen the occasional huge stride, one of which was graduating from therapy. I was starting to believe I might actually be able to live, not just survive.

Monday night, when he showed up, was the first time in a while that my mind shut down and I started to panic. Dealing with the aftermath yesterday was rough. I couldn’t focus on work. I didn’t eat until dinnertime because it didn’t seem like a priority. I wasn’t sure I could keep anything down anyway. Even when I started to feel better towards the evening, a complete stranger took one look at me and said “You look like you’re in shock.”

I can’t outline the details as there might be a criminal investigation pending because of his actions. Suffice it to say these have been the most harrowing three days I’ve had in a long time. Not only that, I’d had plans on Tuesday to tour a school I was cautiously hoping to attend, then go to a concert afterwards and possibly meet up with people who worked in the industry I wanted to end up in. It felt like a crushing blow, not only to my sanity but to the goals I had just started to believe I could work towards.

Then this song comes on my playlist. And I watch Imagine Dragons playing it to an empty set due to the hurricane conditions in NYC. Despite the storm, despite the audience of zero (except for crew), they were there, taking that moment and living it as if there were a thousand voices singing with them.

It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am

That’s it, isn’t it? It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, two months, two years, two decades ago. It doesn’t matter if everything seems to be working against you, if nothing goes right, and you feel you’re about to crumble under the weight of failure. You can choose to torment yourself. You can choose to curl into a ball. You can choose to blame everyone and everything and wallow in self pity and neglect. Or you can choose to stand up. To scream at the world. To cut your losses, bandage your scars, and keep walking.

I refuse to be broken again. I refuse to let my light be dimmed. I refuse to be afraid.

Because no matter what, it’s still time. It’s still my time. That time is now.

xx

Originally posted here.

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