London After Midnight :: The Christmas Song

Posted: December 24, 2012 in Songs

London After Midnight :: The Christmas Song
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album | CD

This song missed my Holiday Mixtape post because… I don’t think of it as a Christmas song. Despite its title, it’s not a song that conjures up warm and fuzzy feelings with sleigh bells and hot cocoa and Christmas dinners. Though I listen to it during the holidays, the meaning is much deeper than that, and takes me to a different place in my memories.

In this world of snow and cold I’ll hide,
In this world of ice I’ve built with pride

While I was married, I retreated into my head, tried to keep what was left of my sanity safe despite what was going on around me. I became numb, indifferent, a veritable zombie on the outside. Two things enabled me to see what I was doing to myself before I stopped caring about even that. The first were the lyrics above. The second was a passage from Magic’s Pawn by Mercedes Lackey:

“If no one touches me–no one can hurt me. All I have to do is never care.”

It was like a revelation, a gift from the hithertouncaring gods. This place, this wilderness of ice–if he could hold it inside him–if he could not-care enough–he could be safe.

Two scenarios, from two completely different sources, using the two most significant forms of media in my life at the time. I’m still not entirely sure what it meant but it could not have been coincidence. In any case, that’s where I was. Frozen, intact, untouchable. I took comfort in the song, got lost listening to it, which fueled a delusion I’d also started to cultivate.

Of all things that I’d most like to receive,
There’s just one thing I really want this Christmas Eve.
I believe, I believe it’s you

I wanted a knight in shining armor. I wanted someone to break into the ice walls I’d built, melt them down, and warm me up until my lips were no longer blue. It wasn’t until two years ago that I came to the realization that the knight had to be me. I’d built the walls so well, no one could get through. I was protected, but I might as well have been dead. Friends and family kept little fires burning, beacons of light that kept me centered, guided me forward, but the work had to be done from within.

Even now that the ice is mostly broken, I still find myself retreating here and there. I still want someone to discover me, find me worthy of fighting for through the cracks and the cold. The difference is that I’ve carved out my own door. I can lock it if I wish, and walk out when I’m ready. Sometimes I still want someone to barge in. Sometimes I don’t mind being alone. Sometimes I feel like I’m still waiting. That’s when the song hits me the most.

Buried in the snow I’ll wait for you
And keep on wishing till my dream comes true
I feel your touch, it melts the world away
We’ll be together in the light of Christmas Day

Far away, far away with you




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