[ Musings ] Caged and Killed

Posted: September 30, 2013 in Blog
Tags: , ,

These are two unrelated subjects that have been on my mind as of late. The first was triggered by several vivid dreams I’ve been having over the last 3 months. The most memorable was a week or so ago. I dreamed I owned a black and white rabbit that lived in a cage. In the dream, two weeks passed and I had neglected to feed the rabbit. After realizing this, I opened the cage in a panic but the rabbit seemed bright-eyed and healthy, looking up at me as if grateful for the release but puzzled by my anxiety. It hopped out onto a kitchen counter where I proceeded to feed it a carrot stick, then a celery stick. Despite my worry, it seemed to be fine, until it started on the stalk of malunggay leaves, which are known for their health benefits. About halfway through, it just keeled over and flattened like an expired balloon. I freaked out for a few minutes, then belatedly attempted CPR. Then promptly woke up with the vile taste of leaves and slime in my mouth.

This isn’t the first dream I’ve had involving a cage. Sometimes I’m in it, other times, it’s something else I’m trying to save, but typically fail to do so. These have not made for easy nights. I tend towards nightmares as it is and these cage dreams haven’t replaced my usual ones, just added on to them.

Something else I’ve started to become aware of lately, is using variations of “Am I gonna get killed if…” or “Are you gonna hurt me if…” when broaching a delicate subject, or stating a conflicting opinion. 80% of the time, it’s meant to be amusing as I only use it around friends. The answer typically is some form of, “Haha, no.” The frequency with which I’ve been doing it though makes me wonder. Do I actually fear physical abuse from this person? These are the people I trust the most. Or maybe that’s it? They’re too close so I subconsciously feel like I don’t have enough room to defend myself? Of course, I could just be overthinking as usual but it’s still a pervasive pattern. I guess monitor and we’ll see how it goes.

xx

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