Archive for June, 2014

[ Musings ] Reality Check

Posted: June 25, 2014 in Blog
Tags:

Sometimes you really have to weigh the pros and cons of what you’re doing. Granted, those come with almost every decision you make but in my case, it’s something I’ve put off doing for months now. I’ve been too busy trying to live my life, keep my head above water to really consider if all of this is worth it.

This “move” to LA, though still in its “temporary” stages, has taken more of a toll on me than I realized or even care to admit. Even now that I’m starting to analyze it, there are parts of the decision I haven’t quite identified and/or refuse to face. In chasing this… sometimes vague dream of being in the music industry, I’ve given up any semblance of stability which is something my practical, logical mind requires in order to function properly. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve always tried to play by the rules, usually someone else’s, so as to be responsible for as little as possible. I plan and prepare as much as I can before something happens so I don’t have to think when the time comes. There are several careers in which these proclivities would yield great amounts of productivity but my soul rebels against most if not all of those I have been introduced to.

Though I’m not a musician, I live and breathe music. I’m drawn to its energy. I feed off it. The truth is that the choice to leave my stable job with the benefits and the 401K and the mindless routine wasn’t to chase some romanticized dream. It was to chase a high. (more…)

Fall Out Boy :: Alone together

Posted: June 19, 2014 in Songs
Tags:

Fall Out Boy :: Alone Together
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album | CD

There are times when I feel… not apathetic exactly but there’s an element of uncaring when it comes to what happens to me. I’m not typically a risk-taker; quite the opposite. I’m normally the planner who researches what time the last train leaves so I’m not caught unprepared. That being said, there are moments when my brain clicks off and I allow life to take me where it will. Sometimes it takes me down alleys into clubs I’d normally be afraid of or avoid, usually because I’m on these ventures alone. There’s a certain freedom when you let go of fear; though in my lucid moments, I wonder if I know where to draw the line. Usually I find it when I’m recounting some adventure and the person I’m talking to starts staring at me like I’ve grown a second head. Knowing I have these lapses in common sense or moments of trust in the universe, however you want to look at it, I identified with these lyrics the moment I heard them. As I blunder my way through Hollywood life, this has become my newest anthem.

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going
But I don’t think I’m coming home and I said
I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin
And we’re starting at the end.”

Once when I was very young, I got lost in a grocery store. Except I was unaware of being lost. My frantic parents simply found me following someone else I thought was one of them. They may have a different version of the story but I don’t remember being particularly perturbed, except at their reactions. I’m much more cautious now but there’s still a tendency to decide, at times prematurely, that someone I meet is worthy of trust. And once I trust someone, I tend to follow them, try new things, unless they lead me completely astray. That being said, I’ll push current boundaries to do so. Usually, it ends up being a good learning experience. But my trust hasn’t always been deserved and it’s backfired more than once. (more…)

Free Spirit

(more…)

Because she asked…

“I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. I want to know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. I want to know more than what you do for a living. I want to know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I want to know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds.” –DJ Brody Ramone

I’ve always made the mistake of falling for people: 1) who pay (welcome) attention to me and 2) out of the fear of being alone. I fall in love with people who own different facets of what I want to draw into my life, what I want to become and what inspires me. The problem with that is I end up putting those people on a slight pedestal because I see them as better, something to aspire to. So of course, I distrust their love when it’s actually reciprocated. How could someone I admire see anything in me? At the same time, I understand that love isn’t necessarily admiration. The heart works in weird and wonky ways.

Those I have “loved” in the past have given variations of the following when asked: (more…)