Samsaya :: Good with the Bad

Posted: August 14, 2014 in Songs
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Samsaya :: Good with the Bad
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album

This entry had started out forced. I’d been wanting to write for over a month now, knew I had to. In retrospect, it’s fitting that my last (real) entry was called “Reality Check.” A lot has happened in the last few weeks, days that have both hurt and healed my psyche. However, my muse – yes, I need one even for blog entries – had just about wandered off and I hadn’t the heart to yank her back.

I do it Monday morning, I really need to think it straight
I’m done being stressed about decisions I need to make
Want a change of pace from fighting the grey every day
But you know what they say

One of the hardest things I’ve had to learn over the past few weeks is the fact that in most situations, there’s no clear right and wrong.  There’s just choice and consequence. What are you willing to live with? What do you want more? What or who makes you happy?

The last question was the easiest to answer and the hardest to live with. Being that perennial people-pleaser, my happiness is consistently my last priority. Indulging it makes me feel guilty, to the point where it seems like the wrong choice every time.

When you’re up, you don’t look down
And when you’re down, you wanna come around
An emotional rollercoaster straight to the ground

It’s been pointed out to me, pointedly, that if someone I love thought that way, I’d be the first to verbally smack them. “Do what you want and hang everyone else,” I’d say. It’s true. Do as I say, not as I do. Part of it is that making a choice to be happy seems indulgent. I’m generally… not a negative person. I can find the good in almost any situation. That’s part of the “survivor” mentality I’m trying to shake. The idea that I have to live with whatever life throws at me, instead of taking control of it and making those choices.

I take the good with the bad, the good with the bad
Don’t wanna let my life pass away
I take the good with the bad, don’t wanna be sad
Tomorrow’s not today

In a way, that’s what led up to the events that ensued. I had grown complacent, stopped thinking, blindly followed and just tried to deal with whatever was thrown at me. Dangerous territory for someone who had allowed herself to be controlled for so long. It took me a long time to realize I was falling into the same patterns. Eventually, I started recognizing the signs but it was too late. I felt trapped. Something had to change. In a sense, the choice was eventually made for me. My choice was to let it go and not fight.

‘Cause if tomorrow I should die, I know I
I really lived my life, ’cause I know
When you’re up, you don’t look down
And when you’re down, you wanna come around
An emotional rollercoaster straight to the ground

The first few days were strange. I had a general feeling of being uprooted, losing the ground beneath my feet. I wasn’t sure where to go, what to do, almost who to be. As days passed however, I started to realize that though I had relinquished control, I never actually lost it. I could take up the reins whenever I wanted.

There’s a scene in Indiana Jones, The Last Crusade where Indy has to take a “leap of faith” and step into what appears to be a void. It turns out to be a cleverly camouflaged bridge, disguised to be invisible until one actually stands on it.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that the ground was still there. I’d just lost sight of it. Taking that leap forced me to center. To balance. It may be a narrow bridge but it’s there. It’s solid. And I can still walk on it.

 So I did. I am. And I don’t regret a thing.

I take the good with the bad, the good with the bad
Don’t wanna let my life pass away
I take the good with the bad, don’t wanna be sad
Tomorrow’s not today.

This video reminds me of the world I want to live in. Though choreographed (I think), it creates a moment where friends on the street making music inspire another group to dance. For those few precious moments, strangers are in synch. They live, they breathe the same rhythm, the same melody, the same joy. Then they scatter to their own realities. I want to live in and for those moments of connection, to create it whenever I can, whatever it takes.


xx

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