[ Musings ] The more things change…

Posted: August 30, 2014 in Blog

… the more they stay the same. I found this entry from an ancient blog, written over 10 years ago:

“These are the days when I wish I could be an artist and make a living out of it. What really makes someone an artist anyway? For me, there is an all-encompassing, almost obsessive, need to express something to as many people as possible. It’s a driving desire to convey either a message, a feeling, an emotion, or just to touch someone and let them know they’re not alone.

This is my soul, my first love, and my greatest dream. No matter how much I try to nail my feet to the floor, to believe that life consists solely on survival, I can’t help wanting more. Feeling more. And giving more. Maybe it’s selfish of me but there is something inside me, something wonderful that I want to share with everyone. And even though I try to convince myself that I have nothing to offer, it only takes a soul in need to make me forget about all my doubts and just act.

The most frustrating thing about this whole sorry business is that I don’t have the capability to fulfill my dreams. I am, at best, mediocre in any form of art I pursue. Music has been my greatest love and my greatest frustration ever since I was old enough to distinguish sounds. I often ally myself most with “Salieri” from Milos Forman’s Amadeus, a man with the soul of an artist, who could appreciate the intricate melodies and harmonies of Mozart’s work, but who was, at best, a mediocre musician and a below-average composer. I won’t go as far as to play with the minds of those more talented than I, but I can’t help wishing I was able to create such beautiful music.

As far as other mediums… my fiction (as with my music) is ripped from other people’s work- “mediocre copies of another man’s genius” as Teddy Lawrence (Christian Bale) said in Little Women (1994), my poems- laughable in their too-obvious attempts to be something they’re not, my art- unsteady and devoid of any real imagination.

One of my fave bands, Malice Mizer, seeks to answer the question to “What is human?” For me, it’s finding something that you and only you can do and do it to the best of your ability. If you are a musician, compose like there’s no tomorrow and let everyone hear. If you’re a writer, write like a demon possessed for someone out there is waiting to read. Now me, since I am unable to do much of anything for myself, I concentrate on helping others like me to do things I wish I could do. Hopefully, it’ll be enough to keep me alive. There’s nothing much else holding me right now and my existence depends on the delusion that I still have something to offer the world, even though I can’t compose to save my soul.”

Overdramatic much? Yes. Everything seemed like it was life or death back then. This conclusion has never been far from my mind, especially when I start fantasizing about being on stage. “You’re Salieri, remember?” I tell myself. “You established and came to terms with this a long time ago.” Even more so now that I’ve been around the music industry, seeing incredibly talented friends struggle. What is the purpose of all this? To “succeed” by creating something other people will like?

Or to create because you don’t have any other choice?

The irony is that within the next few hours of re-discovering the actual blog entry, I also found a song I’d written around the same time period. While not some life-changing masterpiece, it’s got a decent hook, good lyrics and perhaps more significantly, I can hear instruments behind it. A guitar lead there, a drum solo there, keyboards leading to the pre-chorus.

It’s funny how we convince ourselves of things that we eventually accept as fact in order to be logical, practical, to live the path of least resistance and potential ridicule.


Now that I have my four walls and relatively stable ground to stand on, what if I took this thing and did something with it? What if I exposed it, this tiny creation of my soul for all to see and judge? Not because I want to be loved by millions (though that wouldn’t hurt) but because want to hear it? What if I could be the very person I want to support?

Wouldn’t that be something?



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