Keira Knightley :: Lost Stars

Posted: September 26, 2014 in Songs
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Keira Knightley (from Begin Again) :: Lost Stars
Available on Amazon: MP3 | Album | CD | DVD (film)

It’s interesting to open up to someone about a potentially impossible dream. Their reaction tells you so much. Indifference? Disbelief? Sometimes they change the subject. Some just smile and nod. Very few encourage. Even fewer actually get inspired enough to help.

Please don’t see just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies.
Please see me reaching out for someone I can’t see.

Quite possibly the worst reaction is to be laughed at or humored. One is the ultimate confidence-killer. The other just makes things confusing. This is the time when you have to take ownership of that dream and stay true to yourself regardless of outside influence. Of course, there will always be logistics involved. But that’s the trick of success. Balancing your dream with the reality of achieving it.

Take my hand, let’s see where we wake up tomorrow.
Best laid plans; sometimes are just a one night stand.

I’m lucky in that there was a voice loud enough to wake me up to the fact that I had a dream in the first place. I’d long buried it as unachievable, to the point where I’d completely lost sight of the fact. It started with a compliment, from me to her. That I admired her for living my dream life if it had been possible.

She simply asked, “Why isn’t it?”

I blinked back a million reasons, a million excuses and finally realized… “Why indeed?”

I’ll be damned; Cupid’s demanding back his arrow.
So let’s get drunk on our tears.

I tend to lose myself in people, which is unfortunate. I know I need to learn to stand on my own. I fall in love easily- not necessarily with the person but how I feel around them. It’s not necessarily a romantic thing either. It’s similar to the high I keep chasing whenever I go to a live show. Inevitably, the high fades and I end up floundering. Because people are human and as such, are rarely constant. True friends ride the highs and lows but it takes time to get to that point. So I fall a lot. And flail a lot. And my heart gets broken a lot.

And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young.
It’s hunting season and this lamb is on the run.
We’re searching for meaning…
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

Part of it is naïveté. Most of it is just unbridled optimism. The willingness to trust anyone that extends a hand, that has a kind word. Remember my name the second time we meet and I’ll love you forever. At least until you turn away to talk to someone else. That’s when the glow fades into acceptance and I can navigate on a more even keel. Believe it or not, I’m much less dramatic than I used to be. I’m slowly learning to paint people in shades of gray instead of black and white.

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy.
‘Woe is me’ if we’re not careful turns into reality.

An uncomfortable realization over the last few weeks is how much I hide behind my past. I use it as a crutch, a shield, an excuse. I’ve said so many times, “We all have our own little hells,” but that doesn’t excuse me from living in mine. I’ve allowed it to become part of my identity. I’ve allowed myself to wallow and believe I’m the victim. It affects how I interact with people, how I react to them. Despite my falling for every kind word under the sun, I have an inherent distrust of males because of what happened.

Don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow.
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer.

Because of that, a lot of soul-searching (and a growing lack of funds) had me reaching out to the ex. I kept it simple, a query on how he was doing, a request to lower the amount I had to pay in spousal support and… what was hardest for me, an offer of forgiveness. “We all have our own little hells.” It’s just hard to be forgiving someone else’s hell blurs into your own.

I don’t think he’s a monster. But I don’t think we can be friends. I recognize he’s trying to be a good person to the best of his ability. I recognize he’s doing his best to deal with his various issues. However, I am choosing not to have them in my life. Selfish? Maybe. Out of self-preservation.

Turn the page; maybe we’ll find a brand new ending.
Where we’re dancing in our tears.

I used to think we might be able to be friends in the future, but that isn’t possible if his definition of “friendship” includes the right to ask me to sign over my beloved truck, while continuing to make payments on it. That was his reply, by the way, to my email.

I’m sorry, no. You do not get 10+ years of my life, half my savings, half of my retirement savings, 3 years of spousal support AND my truck, leaving me to scrounge for work (while taking away my transportation) so I can pay for it. Not to mention if you know anything about me (as you claim to be my “soulmate”), you’d know how much that truck means to me. So, no. We are not meant to be anything but lessons to each other. And I’m moving on.

I thought I saw you out there crying…
I thought I heard you call my name…
I thought I heard you out there crying…
But just the same…

I could be bitter and sarcastic and say the lesson is that you don’t trust anyone, that you don’t rely on anyone but yourself. The truth though is that you have to rely on yourself. That doesn’t mean you don’t let people into your life. That means you have to be confident enough to let the right people in. You have to be able to recognize when the people around you align with your current journey, when you can help each other along the way. That’s the key though, to help each other. Because you have to be able to survive on your own before you can even begin to think about bringing another person into your life.

And God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young.
It’s hunting season and this lamb is on the run.
Searching for meaning…
But are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

By the same token, you have to be able to let go of those who have a negative impact. Forgive, yes. Be the better person, yes. But there are just some times when you have to be the one to take a step away. Maybe your paths will cross again. If they’re meant to, they will. Until then, own your dreams. Own yourself. Because at the end of the day, it’s your journey. You’re the only one who can live it.

Are we all lost stars trying to light up the dark?

I actually didn’t start this entry to talk about the ex. Originally, it was intended to be a hopeful discussion of dreams. The lyrics still fit however, maybe more so than I thought. The last few weeks have taught me so much. I’m starting to realize that maybe I can be the one I can look up to instead of being the support. I daresay, I’m cultivating my creativity. Every day, I meet more and more people who may be able to help me on this new path. Every day, I learn more about how I might be able to do what I want.

Because, why not?

xx

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