Dir en grey :: 太陽の碧 [ on MACABRE or VESTIGE OF SCRATCHES ]
I originally started this entry wanting to talk about love and new beginnings. It made me think back to a post I made on Facebook two weeks ago, on and about January 31st because I realized then that it takes me a month into the new year to process and figure out where to re-focus my energy. I’ve mentioned in conversation how even though I never celebrated the lunar new year growing up, perhaps there’s something embedded in the DNA I’ve inherited from my Chinese ancestors that makes me wait until then to start turning over my new leaf.
Either that or as usual, I’m just late again.
Also late in a way, is a post that identifies Dir en grey as the band I’ve credited to saving my life during some of my darkest moments, the band I claimed as part of my identity during that time, and the band that to this day, I say is my “favorite” band when asked. I admit, I haven’t listened to them in a while but it surprised me to realize that I’ve only written about Dir en grey once this blog, and it wasn’t terribly in depth. Perhaps they were too close. Too far inside for me to be able to give any voice to the part of me that depended on them. People used to ask me why I loved them so much and my answer was simple, “They scream for me when I can’t.”
After the divorce, I found myself unsurprisingly needing to scream less and less, to the point where I’ve only listened to Dir en grey a handful of times a year, and even then, only to play a song for someone after they ask me who my favorite band is. I’m at least two albums behind when I used to track and pre-order months ahead for the singles preceding the albums.
I stumbled across this song almost by accident today, when I looked up the band on Spotify to find a different song I’d discovered last January 31st. I’d actually forgotten what this song sounded like, but remembered it had been one of my favorites. Listening inspired me to create a playlist of my favorites, which are generally “less angry.” One would think grind/punk/metal rock would not be the most conducive to getting things done but for some reason, revisiting these tracks kept my anxious brain at bay during work today, allowing me to focus without distractions.
The realization does make me question what it is about my brain that not just responds but is soothed by their music. I remember a moment after my first surgery, when we had to buy a blood pressure monitor during my recovery. Even back then, during my questionably “angry” phase, my dad used to tease me that listening to Kyo (vox) lowered my blood pressure.
That may be an exploration for another day/post. For now, back to my January 31sts.
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regenroxx 